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SEX & HEALTH: SEX IN THE CITY

MAR 2008 Sex & Health Sex in the City

-.-When Cheating Becomes Flirting

When Cheating Becomes Flirting

You’re talking to a new person and energy is pumping; witty banter is flowing; sparks are flying; the mood is just right. All of a sudden you snap back into reality and realize you’re attached. Were you doing anything wrong? This all could be innocent feelings of flirting, but how far does the situation have to go before things aren't so innocent anymore? When does flirting become cheating?
When it comes to flirting it depends on the type of relationship you’re in. If you’re in a relationship that’s a little bit more casual, there’s nothing wrong with meeting new people. Go ahead and bat those pretty lashes at the cute guy across the room. If you’re in an exclusive relationship, however, there is little room for excessive flirting and that may become a problem.

But who doesn't feel a bit of excitement when someone else notices you? And in some cases, making eye contact with a handsome stranger on the subway is not going to damage a relationship. Flirting can be harmless and doesn't necessarily have to lead to cheating. So, why do you think we do it? The intent of flirting is to get someone else’s attention. It's an intentional energy. You’re choosing to send out certain vibes. We crave the high from that initial attraction we feel towards a new someone. We get off on the rush.

Flirting makes you feel like you’ve still got it. It's an ego booster to make ourselves feel good by seeing how someone reacts. It can be fun and exciting so long as you’re not doing anything offensive to your partner.

There are several levels of flirting, and most of them are in the safe zone. A compliment, harmless passes, or playful teasing can be taken as flirting, but they sometimes aren't meant to be. You could be flirting and the other person could be flirting back, but that doesn't mean you're cheating. Flirting could be a part of their personality. And if you or your partner is the jealous type, then this something to be wary about.

I once dated a guy who was a pathological flirt. When we went out to parties or grabbed a few drinks at a bar, there wouldn’t be a time where I wouldn’t find him talking to a pretty girl. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with talking to other people. But when you’re at a party, the music gets loud. You see him smiling, leaning in to whisper something in her ear. Now that might be pushing it.

Can flirting eventually lead to cheating? How do you know when you’ve crossed that line? There are a few pitfalls when it comes to flirting. There’s a stage in flirting that occurs right before you are about to do something you won't be able to take back. It can involve anything from a lingering hand on a thigh, a forbidden kiss, to sex. Then you’ve crossed the point of no return and it’s hard to come back from that. You’re fucked. This is where you've crossed that line from playfulness into lust. In a nutshell, flirting becomes cheating when what you are doing is something that your partner wouldn’t approve of. Though there is some leeway, every situation varies from couple to couple. Sure, you were bumpin’ and grindin’ with that guy on the dance floor but it was simply dancing, except you had your ass all over his nuts. You wouldn’t be so happy if you found your man rubbing up all over with another girl, would you?

In other situations, physical contact doesn’t even have to be involved. Sometimes you can shit on your relationship with a simple click away, like the way this guy did. My friend Gene was dating a guy named Jason for about a year. Towards the end of their year together she discovered that he was having cyber sex and exchanging promiscuous emails with another woman online for sexual favors. Although no such physical actions were taken, he was pursuing another woman behind her back and he was getting something out of it. That was enough to seal the deal for her. When it comes to sex and internet relationships, it can all be a very disturbing thing. Save yourself the headache and be mindful of your flirtatious ways before you get yourself into trouble.

Another clear sign when flirting becomes cheating is when you give the impression that you are unattached and available when you're not. You're doing it to let someone know that you're interested, and if they respond, you get something out of that. Cheating is when you have an interest in someone other than the person you are seeing and acting on it. They are getting something out of it.

You flirt in secret. Maybe it was a joke to grab that cute guy's butt, but it isn't so funny if you made sure your partner wasn't looking. If it doesn't feel right, you shouldn't be doing it. You may think you have it all, a serious relationship and some harmless foreplay on the side, but you could get that from your relationship as well. It is one thing to be outgoing and fun. It's another to find yourself constantly attracting other men. It's not fair to send out signals that you're available and looking if you are not interested in making a love connection. You can be fun without putting out signals that you want someone. So if you’re not tied down to someone special, work those feminine wiles and that charming smile. Otherwise, don’t get caught playing with the fire.

my.asiancemagazine.com/elysia