Five years have passed since “The White Boy Speaks on Dating Asian Women.” I still get asked, as a white guy who still mostly dates Asian women, why I date Asian women more than any others. My tastes haven't changed but my views have matured.

I'm writing to follow up, share new views, and, I hope, increase mutual understanding. I still believe open communication helps people understand each other better.

The new views are simpler and more mature, though they may seem paradoxical. Some will say, “Jay, this is totally obvious” and some will say “Wow, I wish I'd seen it that way earlier.”

First an update.
My preference for Asians hasn't changed. People still have preconceived notions about me. Many people who don't know me well still think just because a girl is Asian I'll like her, though it doesn't bother me as much. I understand where they're coming from, even if I expect more of people. I have preconceived notions about things I'm unfamiliar with too.
I've dated women in the past five years – mostly Asian, a few not. There have been several occasions of love between us, though no vows, for better or for worse.

I've read the comments to my first article at times. I'm honored to have helped generate so much communication and hopefully increase understanding. Some of the anger suprises me, but it comes with talking about race. I'm pleased at the few posts showing some new understanding.

Okay, now for Jay Spark's big new views about white men and Asian women dating that he thinks will improve relations for everyone. And it took me a while to realize (drumroll please):

It's not that big a deal.

Talking about race and ethnicity is a big deal in this country. But the more I've experienced and learned, within a relationship the less I find the source of physical attraction matters past the first few minutes. Sure, you need physical attraction, but appearance doesn't substitute for intelligence, humor, values, and so on. I've never thought more or less of a woman as a person for her appearance.

What others think of whom I date has become less important to me too. That's partly why I haven't followed up the last article in so long. I don't view race and ethnicity as that important to people in their relationships anymore. Sure, we're aware of it and it affects whom we're attracted to, but it doesn't change the relationship.

I hope other people also make race and ethnicity less important to relationships too – whether theirs or anyone else's. Other people make it a big deal. That's their decision. I can't help that.

Many people see a long article and assume the number of words mean it's a big deal. It just means I should write better and more succinctly. Sorry, I'm doing the best I can.

The paradox is that many related things are big deals. Your partner's character – his or her values, accomplishments, sense of humor, how he or she makes you feel, and so on – is a big deal. Your partner's race may be important to him or her. Yours may be important to you.

But a woman being Asian doesn't have special meaning to me. It doesn't make me like her, respect her, find her funny, consider her accomplished any more or less. It just means I find her more physically attractive.

Needless to say, I'm only looking at this issue at the individual level. People who say what others should or shouldn't do based on race or nationality – I can't speak to that. I believe people have to decide what's right for them based on their values. If think people should choose based on your values – well, we just disagree.

I don't try to get people to understand or agree with me. If they do, great. If not, I don't bother debating. Why not? Because it's not that big a deal. They're as welcome to their views as I am to mine as you are to yours.

I hope they'll come around to see that what attracts me to a woman isn't as big a deal as how happy we are together. If people wish us happiness, great! If not, so be it.

It's not that big a deal.

See Jay Spark's controversial article: The White Boy Speaks on Dating Asian Women.