SEX & HEALTH: SEX IN THE CITY
I Dated a Narcissist
It’s all about them!
Where does Narcissism come from?
Narcissus in Greek mythology is a hero, renowned for his beauty. He is exceptionally cruel, in that he disdains those who love him. As divine punishment he falls in love with a reflection in a pool, not realizing it is his own, and perishes there, not being able to leave the beauty of his own reflection.
Funny! This narcissist that I dated was a Greek guy from Westchester.
I thought a date with a non - New York City boy would be ideal!
The date started out great. He came to New York City to pick me up and we went to a local watering hole. I felt like doing a casual night. We sat at the bar. I knew he wanted to eat, so I was looking for a table for us to sit down behind him. After about 5 mins, he said to me, “I don’t like this.” I said, “Don’t like what?” “This vibe. I don’t think you’re interested. I’m calling my friends.” he said. I was actually taken aback for a few precious seconds. How could he think I was not interested? I was the one who made an effort to keep in touch after our first meeting at a bar downtown. No man has ever said that on a date before. Insecure or just an ass? Could you IMAGINE if a woman did that on a date? We’d be labeled psycho, freak, clingy, desperate, etc.
After calming him down, flattering him and reassuring him for the next 10 minutes, our date was back on track. We talked about everything, astrology, family, friends, dating and business.
Some red flags:
- He mentioned he had a stalker on MySpace.
- He said he ALMOST cheated on his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend with her best friend. Oh but it was over.
The next day, I had mentioned some of my concerns to one of my friends.
"Sounds like he’s a narcissist", she said. "Don’t even get involved. It’s a game to him. He’ll lay it on thick to get you hooked, then disappear, hoping you stalk him and then act like you’re crazy. It’s all about him".
I decided to research what it is like dating a narcissist man.
What is a narcissist?
Via hookingupsmart.com (I like this website, FYI)
- Approximately 1% of the population is narcissistic.
- 75% of narcissists are men.
- Narcissism is a psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
- A narcissist sees his life as a movie or dramatic story in which he has the starring role. He creates a character, and assimilates the emotions of that character.
- Narcissists appear to have emotions, feelings, empathy; they cry, laugh, feel your pain, etc, but none of this is real. They don’t feel it. It’s not linked to anything internal. They’re crying at the funeral, for sure, but on the inside they’re wondering why it doesn’t hurt as much as they think it should.
- They are extremely vain.
- They are often very outgoing, with a “larger than life” personality. They are great fun in social situations, which makes them popular.
- Hurting a narcissist does not cause him to feel sadness. You can only make a narcissist feel rage.
Our date continued to progress. I was really attracted to him. He was tall, had dark hair, blue eyes, carried himself well and was a gentleman, something us ladies are not too use to in this big, bad city. He was funny, affectionate but not too and paid for everything. The Greek started talking longer term plans. Good sign or another red flag?! Was I actually starting to fall for a man?
Hooking up is perfect for narcissists:
- Since hooking up is about what you want, rather than what the other person wants, it’s the perfect sexual experience for a narcissist.
- Hookups move the focus of sexual relationships away from the whole person by emphasizing physical attractiveness.
- Because physical intimacy precedes emotional involvement, it’s difficult to scope out the emotional character of a guy before hooking up.
- Narcissists worry about “settling,” and are always on the lookout for something better. Hooking up is the perfect framework for that because no one finds it particularly unusual or troubling if a guy doesn’t want a relationship, but prefers to always be hooking up with someone new.
The night ended well, with a bunch of tequila shots. He stayed at my place, and then left the next day. He texted the entire next day and asked me for another date during the week but needed to check his calendar. Excuse me? You need to check your calendar for a date with me?
Red flags and sirens started going off in my head. Let’s see how this plays out. He kept in touch just enough to keep me interested yet didn’t make concrete plans. Like where the hell is this going? A game hun? or just not that into me?
Narcissist or non-committal? Much of our contact was about him and/or me having to reassure him how good looking he is...
Eventually, we did go on our second date, after a month. It was all about him, of course. He wanted to see me again in a non-eating atmosphere. When I reacted surprised, he said, “Yeah why are you acting like that? I do what I say”. He kept in touch every day for a few days after that date, and then disappeared again.
Which leads to (I’ve highlighted the important ones):
What are narcissists like in relationships?
- They are exciting, excelling at the fun and novel stage of a new relationship.
- They enjoy the passion of new love, but do not develop feelings of caring as the relationship progresses
- They are all about feeding the ego; always their own, but sometimes yours too.
- They seek partners who make them look and feel powerful, special, admired, attractive, and important.
- They are indifferent to the core qualities of healthy relationships: real love, caring, commitment and loyalty.
- Narcissists exhibit the same qualities at work and among friends, but their true character is more obvious in romantic relationships, because there are fewer rules for how to behave, and because someone who has fallen for a narcissist will often put up with a great deal that others would not tolerate.
- Narcissists don’t feel guilt, based on an objective right and wrong. They feel shame, based on exposure. When they get caught, their answer is always the same: “Wait, that’s not really who I am…”
- Narcissists regard relationships as interchangeable. If you do not fuel the needed status and self-esteem, he will quickly find another relationship that is more rewarding.
- Narcissists play games (DING, DING!!):
- They are dishonest.
- They give mixed signals, running hot and cold.
- They play people against one another.
- They avoid real commitment.
I’ve put my time in with this clown. Actually, I tolerated a little more than usual out of curiosity and my history of quickly cutting off men. So my great advice to the sexy, single women out there!.....?
I’ve highlighted the important!
What is the best way to avoid a narcissist?
- Make an effort to identify them based on their history. Narcissists leave a trail of heartbreak, deception and unmet expectations. (His cheating situation on our first date, and his facebook is filled with women who are around for a short time, then gone, never heard from again.)
- Don’t let a suspected narcissist talk his way in. They will often try to cover their insensitive and deceitful behavior by claiming that there was a miscommunication or misunderstanding. It is always the other person’s fault. (And he will manipulate to think it’s YOU not keeping in touch with him.)
- Watch for clues. If a guy tells you, “I am a selfish person,” believe him. He’s not being self-deprecating; he’s understating what a narcissist he really is.
- Put up boundaries. Be friendly, but not friends. Do not put yourself in any situation where you need to trust them.
- Reject the temptation to become “the cure.” You cannot identify and treat the unconscious deficits in self-esteem. Narcissists rarely change, especially in relationships.
- Don’t initiate conflict. Any claims, no matter how true, will be met with defensiveness, hostility, perhaps even violence. In fact, you are actually feeding the narcissist’s needs by focusing on him. He is still the star of the show.
How can you get rid of a narcissist?
Don’t reward a narcissist by making drama. The only way to make a narcissist understand personal rejection is to convince him that he doesn’t exist in your life. Ignoring him or humiliating him by failing to give him the starring role, or any role, is the only way to cause real injury to a narcissist. It also happens to be the best way for you to move on. Nancy Lee got played!
I have no interest in him at all anymore. There are much too many good looking, successful men that want to date me. After all, a girl like me does not stay single for long, if she doesn’t want to. I feel sorry for the girls that will be charmed by him. He is not that good looking or successful. I know! I found out! He lied about being an owner of a few different businesses, aka part of the embellishment! What a loser! Girls, stay away from the narcissists! You are wasting your time!
The bottom line is this: It’s all about them. RUN!
Thanks to hookingupsmart.com for showing me the light!
May 11, 2011 @ 05:26 am Carla_79 said:
I just hope that appreciating your own beauty is not a sign of narcissism...because I'm probably guilty of. lol :D
Apr 15, 2011 @ 07:48 pm jaymie said:
I recently watched the Sex in the City episode about Narcissism. I love the episode, with Margaret Cho, but never realized it was about Narcissism. Seems like things have gotten worse. Do you think it's the internet?
May 3, 2011 @ 03:05 am Marisa Sung said:
Narcissistic men end up with the women who you would least expect! It follows Murphy's Law as they are so obsessed with perfection and beauty that they end up with the antithesis of it.
Didn't you know that this song was written for them?
jimmy soul - if you wanna be happy for the rest of your life